Questions Young-Earth Creationists Never Ask
by Edward T. Babinski
Some creationists insist that the original creation was so perfect there was “no decay.” To which I say, “No decay my posterior!” Or should I say, “Adamʼs posterior?”
For instance, (please donʼt laugh) were Adam and Eve created with or without anuses? Did the break down of vegetables in each of their stomachs during digestion involve the production of gas? Did they also defecate? Did their feces have any odor? How about their armpits? Did God feel the least bit obliged to give Adam and Eve the recipe for soap? (If fact, might not Adam and Eve have grown “ashamed” of any number of things, long before they were “ashamed” to discover they were “naked?” Or, as Adam once put it, “Eve, pick some of those soft leaves next time, Iʼm getting chaffed!”)
Was there pain in paradise? Well, it says in Genesis that God “cursed woman” by “increasing or multiplying” her pain in childbirth, and you canʼt “increase or multiply” what isnʼt already there.
Fair Eden of creationist lore!
Where sharks hungered solely for seaweed and carefully spat out even the tiniest fish they found therein.
Where spiders assisted in the release of insects that flew haphazardly into their webs.
Where monkeys swung wildly from tree to tree, but never crushed a single insect on a branch nor upset a single egg in a nest.
Where Brontosauruses carefully weighed each gargantuan step to avoid crushing ants, worms, amphibians, reptiles, or other animals scampering beneath them; and entered the water very carefully, since sudden movements by creatures so behemoth in size might create mini-tsunamis that would inundate and drown, or bury, tiny creatures along the shore.
Iʼd love to see a ballet of such circumspect Brontosaurs on the Arts and Entertainment network. Maybe some creationist animators might oblige by producing their version of the “deathless prances and dances” of the largest creatures in Eden as they walked on their tiptoes through the forest, so as to preserve the lives of every living object beneath their gargantuan feet?